I have spent years of my life finding the 'lost soul' to help. I have always tried to help others and bring them up. October, 2009, something bad happened to me. The experience itself is irrelevant. I made certain choices which allowed for me to held accountable. I paid some very deep prices. Needless to say, emotionally, spiritually, I was gone for a short time.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel as though I had anyone I could talk to. Some say you have to play with the cards you are dealt. However criminals know a sucker when they see one and will often give you a bad hand for the sake of humiliating you. Humiliating is the ideal word for exactly what I felt.
I didn't feel as though I had anywhere to go. I went to the one place I knew I could trust. I went to church. No one there knew why the sudden change in me, nor did they ask. I am thankful for that. I wasn't ready to answer. If anyone asked, I probably would have taken off. Instead, all these familiar faces welcomed me with such warmth and a feeling of security that I so desperately needed. I needed to keep my mind off of recent events, so I made it a point to go to every activity.
It was around November when I noticed a change in how I was feeling. It was comparable to invisible arms that had been wrapped around me like a blanket. I felt comforted, safe, and secure for the first time in months. I no longer felt vulnerable. To me, vulnerability is worse than going without food. I figured it was because I was making better choices, attending Sunday services, activities, and had begun working on my YW personal progress.
By the mid January, I met John Sutton. He and I had only been on 2 dates when I had my patriarchal blessing. The patriarch asked me a few questions. Then, he proceeded to tell me that I was seeing someone special. I became nervous, like a school girl. The patriarch asked me his name. "John", I replied. "John what?" "John Sutton". It was then when he smiled and said, "you are exactly where you need to be. He will keep you safe."
At that moment I said to myself, "self?! How would he know that I need to be kept safe? Who told him? Why would he say that?" But I already knew. I already knew because the first date that John and I went on he grabbed my hand and told me, "you'll always be safe with me." At another time, I'm not sure if it was our first or second date, but I heard a voice, a woman's voice in my ear that said, "he will keep you safe. He will protect you."
I know it was Aunt Joan who told me that John would keep me safe. Being with Heavenly Father, she knows more about my life than I could ever imagine. It was a short time, days maybe a week or so that I literally felt myself being unwrapped from this invisible blanket of comfort and transferred into John's heart. I knew at that point that I couldn't be my usual 'hardened' self, either because that would only scare him away. I had to allow him to see the real me.
I was scared to allow myself to be vulnerable again. Only this time, it was a different kind of vulnerable. I was in control of my vulnerability. I also knew that John was deeply in love with me and that my Father in Heaven placed me with John because at this time in my life, I need him. I know I am deeply in love with John and to be in love with someone, one must trust them.
I told John what happened to me. He cried with me as I told him the mortifying tale of my experiences. John is a wonderful man. He was able to listen with a loving ear and didn't judge me in any manner. He held me as we both shed tears. He too shared past experiences with me that he had never shared with anyone before.
In a recent conversation with my religious/spiritual crutch, Jon Donio, I finally shared with him my testimony of faith and prayer. He told me that in November, when I felt those "invisible arms of comfort" around me, that is when many of my friends and other members of the ward joined together and put my name on the prayer roll. He told me that they could tell something had happened to me, but I was not quite ready to share it. He also knew that whatever had happened was devastating and could eventually break me if I didn't receive help and guidance.He was absolutely right.
Sometimes people want to know too much before they are willing to help out. They want to know the why's of it all, but does it really matter why so-and-so is in their current situation? Is it really relevant? No. It isn't. In every marriage and/or relationship we stress the importance of communication. So, let's stress the importance of communication to our Heavenly Father. He needs to hear your voice. He misses you.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel as though I had anyone I could talk to. Some say you have to play with the cards you are dealt. However criminals know a sucker when they see one and will often give you a bad hand for the sake of humiliating you. Humiliating is the ideal word for exactly what I felt.
I didn't feel as though I had anywhere to go. I went to the one place I knew I could trust. I went to church. No one there knew why the sudden change in me, nor did they ask. I am thankful for that. I wasn't ready to answer. If anyone asked, I probably would have taken off. Instead, all these familiar faces welcomed me with such warmth and a feeling of security that I so desperately needed. I needed to keep my mind off of recent events, so I made it a point to go to every activity.
It was around November when I noticed a change in how I was feeling. It was comparable to invisible arms that had been wrapped around me like a blanket. I felt comforted, safe, and secure for the first time in months. I no longer felt vulnerable. To me, vulnerability is worse than going without food. I figured it was because I was making better choices, attending Sunday services, activities, and had begun working on my YW personal progress.
By the mid January, I met John Sutton. He and I had only been on 2 dates when I had my patriarchal blessing. The patriarch asked me a few questions. Then, he proceeded to tell me that I was seeing someone special. I became nervous, like a school girl. The patriarch asked me his name. "John", I replied. "John what?" "John Sutton". It was then when he smiled and said, "you are exactly where you need to be. He will keep you safe."
At that moment I said to myself, "self?! How would he know that I need to be kept safe? Who told him? Why would he say that?" But I already knew. I already knew because the first date that John and I went on he grabbed my hand and told me, "you'll always be safe with me." At another time, I'm not sure if it was our first or second date, but I heard a voice, a woman's voice in my ear that said, "he will keep you safe. He will protect you."
I know it was Aunt Joan who told me that John would keep me safe. Being with Heavenly Father, she knows more about my life than I could ever imagine. It was a short time, days maybe a week or so that I literally felt myself being unwrapped from this invisible blanket of comfort and transferred into John's heart. I knew at that point that I couldn't be my usual 'hardened' self, either because that would only scare him away. I had to allow him to see the real me.
I was scared to allow myself to be vulnerable again. Only this time, it was a different kind of vulnerable. I was in control of my vulnerability. I also knew that John was deeply in love with me and that my Father in Heaven placed me with John because at this time in my life, I need him. I know I am deeply in love with John and to be in love with someone, one must trust them.
I told John what happened to me. He cried with me as I told him the mortifying tale of my experiences. John is a wonderful man. He was able to listen with a loving ear and didn't judge me in any manner. He held me as we both shed tears. He too shared past experiences with me that he had never shared with anyone before.
In a recent conversation with my religious/spiritual crutch, Jon Donio, I finally shared with him my testimony of faith and prayer. He told me that in November, when I felt those "invisible arms of comfort" around me, that is when many of my friends and other members of the ward joined together and put my name on the prayer roll. He told me that they could tell something had happened to me, but I was not quite ready to share it. He also knew that whatever had happened was devastating and could eventually break me if I didn't receive help and guidance.He was absolutely right.
Sometimes people want to know too much before they are willing to help out. They want to know the why's of it all, but does it really matter why so-and-so is in their current situation? Is it really relevant? No. It isn't. In every marriage and/or relationship we stress the importance of communication. So, let's stress the importance of communication to our Heavenly Father. He needs to hear your voice. He misses you.
